Now what I have come to learn and remember after many years, is that our truth is always the absolute and complete North of SELF, the absolute ALL of self. It’s what always leads us to having the full and whole experience of self.
The invitation that every soul embarks on is how much are you going to allow yourself to live in and by your truth? Without feeling the need consciously or unconsciously to alter or compromise that truth as a result of fearing to face ALL of yourself.
I have been orbiting around myself for some time now with a truth that wanted to be acknowledged and seen on a deeper level.
And in some way, knowingly and unconsciously, I have been avoiding or postponing sitting down with this truth. Fearing what I would have to see about myself and how I would feel about myself once I have seen this truth that wanted to come closer.
It’s funny, maybe there’s a different word for it, but how concouisness is always WORKING FOR US. Even if we don’t experience it like this when we are in the midst of it all.
I was avoiding becoming still. So gently concouisness was creating small moments to be. Which I now realized I ignored many times. And then the small moments became ‘bigger’ invitations. I ignored them a bit more, silently becoming aware of a pull. When enough time has passed, there is a time of the unveiling that becomes mature and a deep knowing of it’s time.
As this moment arrives I meet it with so much uncertainty, panic. Will I be ready to see, hear what I need to… so much pressure.
Then I became aware of a presence, of something wiser than who I am in my human capacity. May it be my higher self or spiritual team that almost says, ‘Stop struggling and relax, listen and simply be’.
And in accepting this invitation and releasing control and assumptions of what I’m about to find out about myself will be devastating, I simply meet the present moment and myself in the NOW.
It feels super uncomfortable at first, so much easier to distract myself with the day to day tasks of life, taking care of others.
Then there’s my moment and as I float in the awareness of self not only for hours, days and months.. but for a good part of a year.
Then one morning, I am woken up in the early hours of the morning with an invitation to come and meet myself. Without judgement, with an open heart and a willingness to allow all of me to speak the truth of what has happened to me as a child and I have chosen to bury very deep inside myself when I didn’t have the courage to trust that I would be supported if I had to reveal my own vulnerability, about my own truth.
So I went and sat with her. She walked me through all the spirals from where I am now, to where through the years I for the first time left her. As my soul is guiding me through a cycle of the same experience over and over, I come to the centre of my truth where I meet her, and she says to me: “This is where you abandoned me when my truth of who I chose to be was too different from the truth of the people and the world you surrounded yourself with.”
“When you measured this truth outside yourself. When you took it outside yourself and you, for a moment, experienced the immense difference, you became afraid of being too different and that you, for this difference, would stand out too much. So you pulled a cloak over me (your inner truth). Made up of the beliefs of others, people and the world and you told me this would be our new truth. This truth will be more acceptable to people and the world.”
But what I never realized is that more acceptable to people and the world would be the first of many times to come that I would just be sacrificing and abandoning my truth. Which translates to abandoning ME and my unique identity.
From this energy of never feeling enough, always having to be perfect, proving myself, to mention only a few, would be birthed as a reminder of what I chose in a moment of being afraid of my own truth and not knowing that the only permission I would ever need to exist as my true self would be from ME.
So for many months now, I have carried a physical pain under my rib cage. The left side of my body, between my stomach and my heart. No matter how much medical and natural treatments I have tried it has created little improvement. It’s managed the symptoms, but not completely healed the discomfort that always sits there.
Until I went into the silence to find a little girl of 8, where she sat between a broken heart and undigested pain, waiting for me to come meet her.
We spoke for hours, and I was astonished by the amount of wisdom she had to share with me. Why the truth she presented me with at 8 wasn’t to harm me or make me feel indifferent, but to introduce me to my unique identity. I told her that it took me 39 years to realize that she only wanted to talk to me and that she never had the intention to harm me. The fear of harming me, I did to myself by abandoning my unique identity when she so excitedly wanted to show her to me and I couldn’t allow her and shut her down and out.
I also know and accept now that we only allow ourselves to recognize, see, hear and accept our truth when we are ready to do so. As our truth is in essence accepting ourselves unconditionally, which translates to unconditional love.
Which is what we are ultimately here for. To have the experience of unconditional love of self, which translates to the unconditional love of God within God.
The discomfort just below my rib is where a very special part of me has been sitting hidden, not from the world, but from me, by me.
I am maturing within myself where I am choosing to allow her to be seen, heard and chosen by me. To allow myself to trust that aspect of truth of me to allow myself the opportunity to experience all of me. That which I am comfortable with and making room to allow that which I’m not naturally comfortable with. So what feels unnatural about me can be loved, allowed and chosen by me. Till it feels natural and as all of me.
If you find yourself in a place and at a time where there is something that feels incomplete, hidden and your body might have already started showing you through physical symptoms, but you have no knowing where to start. I want to invite you. If there’s a silence that is inviting you in, but you feel paralyzed by fear as to what it wants to reveal. I would love to support you in unveiling your inner truth.
Feel free to reach out and make contact with me, let’s walk you back to your true own truth. So you can have the true experience of self.
In love and clarity
Babetza